


Fused

by phfatbeatrice



Category: Steven Universe - Fandom
Genre: Accidental fusion, Anxiety, Eventual Comfort, Exposure Therapy (eventually), F/F, Friendship, PTSD, Trauma, healthy relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-01-27 02:21:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12571584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phfatbeatrice/pseuds/phfatbeatrice
Summary: After a particularly pleasant event, Lapis and Peridot accidentally fuse. This leaves Peridot confused and Lapis anxious.





	1. Accidental

The new episode of Camp Pining Hearts had come out, leaving Lapis and Peridot enthralled and giddy. Two characters they had both obsessively put together had had an entire episode together, leaving the two gems extremely excited over it. 

After talking about the episode for what seemed like hours, the girls were dancing around the barn happily. 

"I still can't believe Pierre and Percy had a whole episode together!" Peridot exclaimed, spinning on her paint can. 

"Those two are really perfect for one another." Lapis said, grabbing Peridot's hand and pulling the girl close. 

"I know! I'm glad other people are finally seeing it!" Peridot spoke, awkwardly pressing herself near to the other. 

"Yeah." Lapis replied. 

Before the two of them had time to react, their gems began to glow, welcoming the other's physical representation of light. Within moments, the two were one. 

Immediately there was a squeal from the figure. "We fused!" The fusion of the two of them was a light teal shade with four arms. Together they were tall, taller than Garnet. Shaking hands examined the physical body, taking in the difference. 

"Lapis! We fused! I fused with you! You fused with me!" She spoke to an empty room. 

"We... we did." The tone of voice was obviously different. 

"Isn't this great? My first time fusing!"

"I... I can't." 

"What do you mean? Isn't this awesome?"

"No! Fusion is... I feel trapped!" 

The scene of the barn seemed to fade, leaving a dark blue in its wake. The world seemed heavy. Her chest tightened, leaving her breathless. 

"Wait, Lapis. This... we aren't Malachite. We're... we're Chrysocolla. You're not trapped. I'm not making you do this." 

"I was trapped for so long... together with Jasper, unable to be free... It... I can't do it. Fusion is horrible..." The gem took a shaky breath in. Her chest ached and tugged painfully. "I... I can't be together like this!" 

With that line, the two were pulled apart. The moment Lapis was free from the fusion, she got on her feet and flew away, tears streaking her face. 

Peridot got up, stumbling a little. She took in a small breath and watched Lapis go. She wanted to chase after her but didn't know if it would just make things worse. The feeling of being together with Lapis had been exciting for Peridot. However, sharing that sensation of fear and feeling what she only assumed was the weight of the ocean on top of her was crushing. Thinking that Lapis had experienced that for any amount of time crushed Peridot. 

The little green gem took in a sharp breath before looking around. She needed to talk to Garnet. She was the only one who would understand this well enough to help Peridot problem solve. 

Steven had given Peridot an Earth phone. Maybe she could use that to reach out to Garnet and have her hopefully help. Peridot didn't ever want to make Lapis feel like that. Their relationship was open and honest. To think that Peridot had even slightly made Lapis feel like made her fear that Lapis wouldn't want her around anymore. She knew that Lapis hated expressing her feelings and having those feelings shared that invasively--Peridot could only hope Lapis would even talk to her again.


	2. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis thinking about the fusion of herself and Peridot. There is a lot of reflection on Malachite.

The thought of being together left her broken. 

Lapis had known that fusion would come up at some point in her relationship with Peridot. How she reacted to that idea was a whole different game. She had panicked, flashbacks and anxiety taking over her senses. She couldn't stay together with Peridot for even a few minutes without it emotionally draining her. 

The moment they broke apart, the terraforming gem flew away. She couldn't have stayed with Peridot after reacting that way. 

The feeling of sharing herself with another gem was too much for Lapis to wrap her thoughts around. Even thinking about giving fusion another go left her lightheaded with fear. All she associated the feeling of fusion with was the weight of the ocean on her back, chains of water tugging her wrists and the weight of Jasper pulling against the chains. 

She acknowledged that she was overreacting. Peridot was not Jasper. Chrysocolla wasn't Malachite. Peridot had absolutely no reason to hurt her. Peridot wouldn't hurt her. Despite knowing this, Lapis couldn't even begin to think about fusing with Peridot and being comfortable. How was that even possible? 

Lapis tried to think about comfortability while fused and couldn't find it in herself. Fusion had been a mistake, one that ruined her impression of the action. She couldn’t even begin to imagine how someone like Garnet stayed the way she stayed. How could anyone stay fused like that?

Lapis let out a slow breath in an attempt to clear her mind. She wondered how her reaction had resonated with Peridot. That couldn’t be good. Peridot was sensitive, even if she acted like she didn’t understand emotion. Lapis panicking like she did and forcing Peridot apart from her may have hurt the green gem emotionally. After all, she had briefly felt the excitement that had whelmed Peridot before her own fear too over both of their emotions. Peridot had been happy over their fusion. What did she think of Lapis now?

The blue gem couldn’t help as she closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands. Things were so confusing and rough. Why couldn’t she just be okay with this?


	3. Advise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot speaks with Garnet, who shares some insight on fusion when related to trauma

Nearly an hour passed and Garnet had travelled out of her way to the barn to talk with Peridot after being notified by Steven that Peridot needed to talk with her. 

"Garnet!" Peridot exclaimed when she saw the large girl. "I... this is kind of hard to explain. Lapis and I..." 

"Fused." Garnet spoke calmly. After being informed that she was needed, her future vision had given her insight into what she was dealing with. 

Peridot swallowed hard and nodded. "But Lapis panicked. She... tore away and then flew off. She hasn't come back... I know where she went but I'm worried about going to talk to her. What if I make her feel cornered? I just want her to be comfortable with me." 

"Fusion is something both of you have to be okay with. After fusing with Jasper, Lapis is probably experiencing some anxiety over the act of fusion. For her, it wasn't love and trust... it was with malice." Garnet spoke, looking at Peridot. 

"But not with me. I want her to trust me. I thought she did." Peridot spoke, her voice breaking a little. 

"She can't bring herself to trust fusion. It isn't you. She has been through a lot of bad and not a lot of good to counteract that. You'll have to let her go at this at her own pace. Trying to tell her it's okay isn't going to help anything. She needs to experience that and grow from it." Garnet said, nodding a little.

"So... just wait for her? Should I go to her? I don't want her to think I'm anything like Jasper. I'm not. I just want her to like being with me." 

"I would go talk to her."

Peridot thought about it for a long moment before nodding. “Okay. I’ll go talk to her.” She said, a little quietly. She was hesitant because she knew how Lapis got when things got tough. For the first six months in the barn Peridot couldn’t even say Jasper without causing Lapis to nearly shut down. Expecting the other gem to talk to her about this was like expecting an Era II Peridot to have powers—Not at all. But things could be different and Peridot knew it.

“You’re welcome.” Garnet said with a small nod. “Do you want me to stay here and wait for you two?” 

Peridot shook her head. “No, I think it’ll be a while.” 

Garnet nodded, turning to leave.

“Thank you.” Peridot said to Garnet, realising she had failed to exchange the formality. 

Garnet just turned a little, giving her a small smile and a thumbs up before continuing on her path. 

Peridot let out a breath she didn’t need to be holding as she started on the direction of the water tower in the horizon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe one day I will write more than 500 words. This story is almost in roleplaying format. It is like this because I can’t keep a muse going on one plot of the other so instead of writing a bunch of filling words, I have to just get what I want down and then go to the next interesting part. I also am apparently very against editing.


	4. Discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Peridot talk about their relationship and what they are going to do next.

The view from atop the water tower had always been so stunning. Peridot loved to sit up there with Lapis and just stare off into space (unless the sun was out, then staring into the fields would have to do.) But that moment wasn’t for staring off at the scenery. Peridot had a mission. 

She struggled to reach each step, forgetting how difficult it was to climb up the tower. She had always had Lapis fly her up there when she went. Today, she would have to climb though. 

Peridot panted as she got to the top of the tower, climbing up and immediately sprawling out. Before she even got a word out, Lapis had already summoned her wings, getting ready to run away again. 

“Wait. I just... wanna talk.” Peridot managed between huffs. “Or sit in silence... I don’t... wanna be alone.” She said, crawling up onto her knees before getting slightly closer to Lapis. 

The blue gem hesitated before she sat back down slowly and looked at Peridot for a very brief second before looking out into the distance. “Okay.” Lapis didn’t want to feel trapped again and for a while there, Peridot had been her freedom in this weird way. She was a reminder of home, making her home away from home more, well, home-y. 

Peridot was grateful for Lapis’ response. She would have been even more emotionally crushed had Lapis left her again even after seeing that she was willing to almost literally hike a tower for her. 

Silence fell between the two as Lapis continued staring out at farmland and Peridot joining her. 

A long moment passed before Peridot spoke up quietly. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that.” She said, her voice slightly above a mumble. 

Lapis shook her head a little. “It wasn’t you.” She knew that something was wrong with her, not Peridot. 

Peridot fell silent again for a moment before speaking again, “I don’t ever want to fuse again if it means hurting you like this.” 

Lapis turned to her slowly before moving just a little bit closer. “I would like to learn to be okay with fusing with you. I don’t know if that’s possible... but I want to be okay with it.” She said, only giving Peridot side glances. 

“But... the pain, the crushing feeling...” Peridot could almost still feel that weight and pressure on her body. 

“I know.” Lapis replied. “That’s just me.” 

“Do you feel that sort of way all the time?” Peridot asked timidly. 

“It comes and goes. Sometimes it’s a lot worse than it is other times. This time... was one of the worst.” Lapis spoke, her voice breaking a little. She kept her eyes locked on something off in the distance, almost as if looking at Peridot would make things worse. 

Peridot couldn’t imagine that feeling being something she could deal with. Maybe she was just lucky but she hadn’t had a lot of moments in her life that would warrant a reaction like that. Running from Yellow Diamond and calling her a clod was probably the only thing she could think of that makes her feel rather crushed over. But that led to brighter things so she could easily look over the fear and occasional fleeting thought of missing Homeworld. 

“Are you okay?” Peridot asked, realising she had been quiet an abnormally long time after Lapis’ reply. 

“Are you?” Lapis answered the question with a question. 

“Only if you are.” Peridot knew that it was obvious but she had become quite partial to Lapis. Lapis was her best friend. To see her upset or scared made Peridot also feel those emotions. 

Lapis took a moment to think about her answer before she nodded, “I’m okay.”

Peridot made a small sound of agreement before speaking. “Than I am too.”

After that, silence washed over them again, this time feeling a little less tense. Peridot felt like the fear she bore had been resolved for the time being, making her feel better about what had happened. Lapis knew that resolution wasn’t something she was going to easily find, but being with Peridot made the idea easier to think about.

Just having Peridot next to her made thinking about their fusion seem less scary. When she was alone, invasive thoughts of Malachite harassed her. But with Peridot here, she knew she was safe from that. Maybe that’s why fusing with Peridot was so difficult. She couldn’t just look at the other gem and know she was there. When they were fused, there was no visual confirmation that they were together.

The two probably stared off for hours, as the sun had began to set. 

Peridot cleared her throat before speaking, “You said you wanted to try learning to be okay with fusion... did you mean that...?” 

Lapis nodded a little. “Yeah. You’re important to me and I know that you don’t want to hurt me or keep me captive... I want to learn how to not think about... well, you know.” 

Peridot nodded. “Would you be willing to try and have Garnet help us...? I know your aren’t fond of them, but Garnet is the master of fusion and somehow keeping together.” 

Lapis hesitated before speaking, “I guess I can try.” She looked at Peridot for a second before looking away. “I don’t want anyone to see me like that. I don’t even want you to see me so... I don’t know.” 

“We can take it slow. We don’t have to do it.” Peridot said quietly. She secretly wanted Lapis to do this with her. 

“I’ll try.” Lapis repeated. “You wanna go home now?” She asked, giving Peridot a small smile. 

“Yeah, okay.” Peridot spoke, pushing herself into a standing position. 

While she was glad Lapis wanted to try, she couldn’t help but wonder how this was going to turn out. Lapis was surprisingly emotional for someone who attempted to look really cool about everything. Peridot knew that Lapis would much rather watch TV than face her feelings.


	5. First Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garnet coaches Lapis and Peridot on how to fuse properly and stay together.

Lapis had grown anxious and antsy in the days passing by, thoughts of attempting to fuse with Peridot again invading her mind. She knew that they had had their first real ‘training’ with Garnet coming up today and she had been dreading it. 

Peridot, on the other hand, was excited. Even though she knew that they probably weren’t going to be able to keep it together too long, she was excited to be together like that with Lapis again. 

When Garnet arrived, it made Lapis tense. She had been banking on this not being real for the last three hours. Now that Garnet was actually at the barn made her feel like this was all real. 

“Okay, you two.” Garnet spoke calmly after Peridot practically dragged Lapis into the room. “First step here is to ground yourselves. Take a moment to just focus on who you are, by yourself. What emotions are you feeling? What are those emotions causing you to feel physically?” Garnet talked them through the thoughts. “Now, what do you want to be able to get from fusion? Being together? Just not being alone? Feeling the other there?” She spoke, her accent making the words come out flowing and connected. 

Lapis couldn’t help the sigh that audibly escaped her body. 

“Fear is only natural.” Garnet responded before Lapis could even think of what she was going to say. “Try your best to accept what happened in the past, but don’t let it control you now. Only you have control over who you are, who you’re with or without.”

Lapis nodded a little even though she was feeling her anxiety levels nearly boiling over. 

Peridot spoke up, “Lapis, if it’s really too much, we don’t have to—“

“No, I need to do this.” Lapis interjected. 

“Do you want to do this, Lapis?” Garnet asked. “Fusion, like any other step in a relationship, is a two way street. Feeling anxious is okay, but forcing yourself into it may only make your past experiences amplify.” 

Lapis was quiet for a second before she nodded, obviously more to herself. “I want to do this.” 

Garnet cracked a small smile before she looked between the two. “So, we are going to make this fair grounds. I’m gonna unfuse and we will start there.” 

Peridot seemed a little surprised. Generally, Garnet only separated for important reasons. Was this that important to her? 

Garnet unfused, light enveloping her for a moment before Ruby and Sapphire were left in her place. The two were holding hands as they looked at Lapis and Peridot. 

The first to talk was Sapphire. “Okay. So, the first thing you need to do is find yourself the most comfortable way to be together.” 

Peridot immediately perked up, “Like my paint cans!” She spouted before disappearing off into the barn for a second. When she re-emerged, she was clutching two empty paint cans. 

“I think I’m good.” Lapis responded. She didn’t have anything that would make this any better. 

Peridot put her cans down before stepping on top of them and pulling the handles over her feet. “There we go.” 

Ruby couldn’t help her grin before she spoke. “Now, you gotta clear your mind of all of the junk. Just think about the other person. Nothing else. Think about why you’re fusing, what you want to feel.” She said, unable to keep her eyes off of Sapphire even as she attempted to hold eye contact with either of the Gems in front of her. 

“I find taking deep breaths can help.” Sapphire chimed in. Even though she and Ruby mostly stayed together, they had had rough patches where fusion wasn’t easy. Those moments where a big reason the girls could handle these situations so well. 

Lapis closed her eyes and took in a few breaths to try and calm her heart. She thought about the innocent, unadulterated situations with Peridot. Making meep morps, singing badly to songs on some of the movies and TV shows they riddled their brains with, talking about what they wanted to do next as free Gems. The positive experiences outweighed the negative ones involving Peridot. 

“Now that your mind is clear, attempt to focus on being together. Dancing helps, but isn’t always necessary.” Sapphire spoke. 

Peridot stepped closed to Lapis, taking her hand. They awkwardly began dancing, the clunking of the paint cans adding to the fact that Lapis had no rhythm. Despite this, their dancing seemed to fit together well. While it wasn’t as embarrassment free as when they had been celebrating over Camp Pining Hearts, it still worked for them. 

Their gems began to glow and Peridot grinned as she guiding Lapis into a spin. The light enveloped them both for a moment before their forms fused, creating Chrysocolla again. 

Sapphire and Ruby didn’t even need to dance for the two of them to come together. When Garnet reappeared, she was practically grinned ear to ear. “You are so perfect together!” She exclaimed, her excitement went unstiffled. 

Chrysocolla blushed. The invasive thoughts weren’t that bad yet. Lapis could already feel her anxiety rising, and she sort of pulled back to attempted to keep it at bay.

“We’re... okay right now. I’m okay right now.” Chrysocolla spoke, her voice still heavily falling into the style of Peridot, which showed just how separate they were even while together. 

Garnet spoke smoothly. “While this may be really hard to do, I need you to think about what you’re going through. What thoughts are happening, how they are effecting you.” 

Chrysocolla fell silent again before she took in a large breath. With her bottom two eyes closed she spoke, her words sounding more like Lapis this time. “I feel... pressure. I have this fear that I’m trapped and can’t leave.”

“This is all optional. If it becomes too much, you can unfuse with no consequence.” Garnet spoke softly. “What makes you feel trapped? Obviously we know about what happened, but... what about this moment in time makes you feel trapped?” 

“I... don’t know. I try to tell myself that I know this isn’t Malachite... but I feel like her. I can feel the shackles on my wrists and ankles. I can taste the water.” 

Garnet nodded before speaking. “What are you telling yourself?” 

“We aren’t Malachite. I’m not Malachite. Jasper isn’t here and won’t be here again. I can leave. We don’t have to be together like this. I chose this...” she spoke softly. “But I also chose to be with Jasper. I chose to fuse with her and go to the bottom of the ocean...” “It’s happening again.” Peridot’s voice spoke in contrast to Lapis’ to point out that once again, what they could see was becoming more deluded into darkness, the weight beginning to bare down. 

“Take in a deep breath. Hold it in for a moment before breathing out. Think about the love you two share. Think about the trust you have to have in each other to fuse like this.” 

Chrysocolla took in a deep breath before holding and letting it out. Thinking of their moments together but not fused seemed to help with the crushing pressure. Chrysocolla continued that calming breathing pattern as her shaking hands slowed. 

“How are you feeling?” Garnet asked softly. 

“Okay.” Chrysocolla responded, the voice harder to distinguish. She stood there for a moment, simply breathing. After a long time, she like out a sigh. “I... think this is okay.” Once again, the voice seemed to not favour either gem. 

“Good. You’re safe here.” Garnet spoke, looking at the other. She could still see the body language and how stiff they were together. She could almost see the way that Lapis wanted to pull away. “I feel like we have made a lot of progress today.” 

Chrysocolla nodded. “I... Yeah, me too.” She spoke. It was obvious that sorting her thoughts out was difficult. 

“If you would like, you may unfuse. Or if you want to stay together, feel free. As I said, this is all voluntary.” 

A long moment of silence passed before a glow of light emitted off of her. In its wake left Lapis and Peridot. 

“That was amazing!” Peridot exclaimed. She grinned really big and pulled Lapis into a hug. “You did so well!” 

“Wow, thanks.” Lapis said, making a joke about how Peridot always says wow before thanks. 

Peridot laughed before looking at Garnet. “Thank you so much.” 

“No problem. We’ll have to work on it more, but the two of you are well on your ways to being comfortable.” 

Lapis nodded. “Yeah.” She was feeling pretty overwhelmed. Even though they had managed to stay together and she didn’t cause any major commotion, her head hurt and she felt kind of dizzy. 

“It’s not something that can be fixed in one practise round. But over time, hopefully we can help those thoughts and make it easier for the two of your to fuse and be comfortable.” Garnet said, giving Lapis a thumbs up. 

Peridot grinned and nodded. “It was so good. We are so good together, Lapis.” 

“I guess. I mean, it’s just fusion.” She spoke, trying not to sound too mean. 

“Fusion is whatever you make it. Peridot and I have already had this conversation. Either way, I only want to influence you to find what’s right for you. Not everyone wants to stay fused for long periods of time. Some gems fuse only for a functional purpose. It’s all about practise and finding what’s best for the two of you.” 

Lapis nodded. She really wanted to at least be useful as a fusion, now that it was something that was on the table. “We’ll figure it out.” She spoke calmly. 

Garnet nodded before speaking again. “I’m gonna go now. We’ll discuss another practise time on the phone.” And with that, she walked away. 

Lapis let out a sigh that it sounded like she was holding in. She felt like she needed to hold up a strong face when Garnet was around, because Garnet was nearly perfect. 

Peridot grabbed Lapis’ hand and smiled at her. “You did good. C’mon, let’s go watch TV.” 

Lapis nodded. She was feeling rather emotionally numb from the endeavour. TV sounded like a great way to ignore all of the thoughts in her head.


	6. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the first practice run fusing, Peridot feels confident that things are going well while Lapis feels that the pressure to perform is too high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse this chapter. It is unedited and more of a raw representation of feelings from my end.

It had been a couple weeks since Lapis and Peridot’s first training with Garnet. While they both had gained from it, Lapis felt an overwhelming sense of fear over doing it again. 

She had done so well. Living up to that expectation was a lot of pressure she didn’t want to deal with. She didn’t like the idea of fusing with Peridot again, having time to fester in her anxiety. 

However, the lesson was scheduled for that day and she fought herself before getting down from her perch in the truck bed to meet with Garnet and Peridot in the main room of the barn. 

“I am so excited.” Peridot said, grinning ear to ear. 

Seeing Peridot so happy made Lapis feel even worse. She wasn’t in a good place right now, and agreeing to fuse was going to make it worse. But, this whole training was supposed to be able being able to be okay while fused. How was she supposed to be okay with fusion if she wasn’t even okay with herself? 

Nonetheless, Lapis didn’t let either of the others know how she was feeling. Instead, she simply nodded a little at Peridot to make the girl not suspect how she felt. 

Garnet stayed quiet until both Lapis and Peridot Seemed more settled in. “Okay. Just like last time, I want you both to focus on how you are by yourself.” She guided. 

Peridot was feeling excited, even if she knew in the back of her mind that things could go awry from how they had been before. 

Lapis was tense, her anxiety feeling like crashing waves of the ocean. 

Garnet soothed, “Remember that what you are feeling is okay. It is a part of you as any emotion is. Once you have reminded yourself of that, focus on what you want from fusing this time.” 

Peridot nodded a little, shooting a glance at Lapis.

Lapis was trying not to get caught in her web of anxiety, instead taking the moment to focus on Peridot. Was it wrong for her goal in fusion to be just to make Peridot happier? She decided not to try and ask that. 

After a long moment, Lapis offered her hand to Peridot. 

Peridot had come prepared this time, paint cans already attached to the bottoms of her feet. She took Lapis’ hand and let the waves of comfortable dance flow between them. 

Garnet felt her own bit of hesitation at the view of seeing the two dance. Her future vision had granted her with a few possibilities that this moment could end in and only one was good. 

The light enveloped them both, bringing their representations of light together. Chrysocolla, in her first moment together, already seemed unstable. 

“Remember why you are here. Why you’re together.” Garnet guided, though she sensed that this wasn’t going to go even nearly as well as the first time. 

Trying to think about why made Lapis hesitate and it felt like she was being held down. She could feel hot tears already running down their checks. “I... Jasper...” She muttered out. 

“Jasper’s not here. You’re safe.” Garnet spoke softly, her voice soothing. 

Chrysocolla shook her head. “No...” The weight of the emotions she felt and the feelings of the shackles crushed her joints. 

“It’s okay. You are safe. If this is too much, you can separate.” 

“I... need to prove something!” Chrysocolla hissed out, her lower left arm grasping the lower right wrist, holding so tight it was nearing drawing blood. “I’m stronger than this!” She nearly shouted as she felt onto her knees. 

“Lapis, we should separate.” “No!” “I’m hurting you!” “No, you’re making me better! I have to fight through this!” “Not like this.” 

Garnet hesitated. She had thought that this outcome seemed to extreme to ponder, but now it was happening. She didn’t want to physically tear them apart, but she felt she might need to intervene if things kept going. 

A few sounds that sounded so unreal echoed in the barn as the two fought internally before they fell apart. Lapis ended up on the floor, curled into a ball. Peridot was a couple feet away, seemingly physically warn down. 

Garnet spoke up, “Fusion is only an option when you’re emotionally ready to be together. Lapis.” She kneeled down closer to the water gem. “How are you feeling?” 

Lapis shook her head, arms securely around her legs, tears running down her face. 

Peridot spoke quietly. “Out of control.” Her voice was shaking. 

Garnet glanced back at Peridot before turning her attention back to Lapis. “Why are you feeling out of control? This entire moment is in your control. There is no one here to make you do one thing or another. Peridot isn’t abusing you into this. I’m not making you do anything.” 

Lapis let out a quiet sob before mumbling, “I... don’t know. I’m trying so hard, but...” She nuzzled her face deep into her knees. “I’m just broken. There’s no fixing me. You might as well just go enjoy your perfect relationship and leave me to continue messing up...” 

Peridot moved over slowly. “Lapis... you’re not broken. You’ve had so much happen to you... no one is expecting you to do this.” 

“But you want to fuse so bad. Why don’t I get that?” Lapis practically choked. “I liked being fused with Jasper because I was able to hold us down. Being Malachite somehow gave me power. But it was so painful. How am I supposed to ever fuse correctly without feeling those things?” 

Garnet spoke up, “Fusion isn’t always good. Like anything, you can learn bad habits. You just need to learn how to cope with those bad habits and learn how to do better.” 

“I can’t! Don’t you see?!” Lapis yelled, hitting her hands on the barn floor. “I’m a monster! I just hurt everyone around me!” She stood up fast before her wings formed, “I have to go.” She flew away quickly, her shoulders shaking to show how much her emotions were quaking through her. 

“She leaves again...” Peridot mumbled quietly. She watched as the form of Lapis disappeared into the sky. She could only hope Lapis wouldn’t go for too long. 

Garnet looked at Peridot before speaking, “Are you okay?” 

Peridot let out a breath and shook her head. “How can I be?” 

—


	7. Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Lapis flew away, Garnet stays to comfort Peridot.

After Lapis flew away from her yet again, Peridot felt her heart sink into her stomach and she found speaking to be more difficult than it was in the past. 

Garnet didn’t leave like Peridot almost expected her to. Instead, the fusion simply sat down on the floor with her legs crossed. 

“I messed up...” Peridot spoke quietly, sitting in a similar position to Garnet. 

“You didn’t.” Garnet spoke smoothly. “Instability comes with learning. Lapis is only trying to cope with the change.” 

Peridot nodded a little even though it was obvious that she wasn’t accepting that answer. “But I... I should have noticed she wasn’t feeling up to it today. I literally live with her. I should know the little cues by now.” 

“I have lived with Amethyst for thousands of years and I still don’t know what she’s thinking half the time.” Garnet said, her voice slightly flat. “People are really good at hiding what they’re thinking.” 

Peridot let out a small sigh. “I guess...” she still sounded very uncertain. 

A long moment passed before Peridot spoke again, “This time was different... I could feel her, trying to hold on as tight as she could. It was scary...” her voice was soft. “I was actually scared of her for a moment.” 

Garnet nodded, “I had a moment of brief thought where I believed I was going to have to tear the two of you apart.” 

“Lapis wants to learn how to do this so bad...” Peridot looked in her lap. “She wants it so bad, but I don’t know if I can do this again.” 

“That is a discussion you need to have with her.” 

“I don’t want to bring this up to her! She’s been through so much that I don’t understand. I need to be her support, her anchor here.” Peridot said, her voice shaking a little. 

“Can you handle that?” Garnet asked, looking over her visor with one eye. 

Peridot let out a more full sigh and shrugged. “I dunno. I want to be able to.” 

Garnet looked forward again before speaking. “I think you two need to have a conversation before you can think about embodying a conversation.” 

“But, but I can’t tell her how I feel about this. What if she takes it as an insult. What if she flies away again, this time forever? I don’t, I can’t do that.” Peridot spoke, panic obvious in her expression. 

“As long as there is a wall between you two, fusion will never be something sustainable. That wall has to be worked down, even if it takes centuries, before fusion becomes something natural.” Garnet spoke, nodding a little with her words. 

Peridot went silent. She didn’t know how she could possibly tell Lapis any of the things that had been bothering her. Just thinking of a small list of the things made her feel like she was pointing out all of Lapis’ insecurities. After all, she knew that Lapis understood how she presented herself as uninvolved. She knew that Lapis was aware that she often shut the world out. Peridot knew especially that Lapis did understand that she became rather obsessive if the moment allowed it. How could she even begin to tell Lapis that those things bothered her without it seeming like she was calling her out or something?

“Just be honest with her.” Garnet spoke. 

Peridot didn’t think she would ever get used to the fact that it felt like Garnet was in her head sometimes. “I can’t be.” She mumbled. “She’ll leave forever if I am.” 

Garnet watched Peridot for a moment before shaking her head. “I think it’ll help you two. Maybe make things patchy at first. But I think it’ll help.” 

Peridot really didn’t want to. She. Could live her whole life without knowing what Lapis’ reaction to her feelings is. But she knew that it was important. It was important for the stability of both of them. “O-okay.” She said, hesitant. 

“I’m proud of you.” Garnet said, looking at Peridot. 

“I haven’t done anything worth praising.” Peridot murmured. 

“Yes, you have. Just thinking about taking to Lapis is a step in the right direction. I’m proud of you for that.” 

Peridot was sure she blushed. Having a compliment from Garnet meant so much to her. “Wow... Thanks.” She said, giving the larger gem a small smile. 

—


	8. Away

After flying away, Lapis flew the skies for what felt like hours. She stayed high in the sky as she let her mind wander. The fact that she had done to Peridot what she had done to Jasper sickened her. Why did she do that? What was wrong with her? 

Lapis couldn’t wrap her head around the idea that she could even be okay with fusion in the way that Peridot wanted it. 

She stared down at land as she flew, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. Why did she even let this happen? She knew that she was dangerous. She knew that she could accidentally hurt Peridot. Yet she fused with her anyway. She held to her, wanting to stay together. What did she think she was going to get out of that? 

Lapis had thought that if they stayed fused long enough, she would grow used to it. But that wasn’t right. Just as Garnet had said, she couldn’t fuse if she wasn’t comfortable with herself. The problem was that she wasn’t sure she would ever be okay with herself. 

Lapis knew that she was messed up. Somewhere along the way, her wires crossed, her feelings frayed. Even when she thought things were okay, something suddenly went wrong. 

After some time, Lapis decided to land. She chose her favourite water tower. It was nearly night time, so she opted for laying on her back and looking up at the sky. 

Lapis thought about Jasper and being Malachite. She wondered what had gone so wrong to make her unable to be with Peridot happily. The small green gem deserved so much more than Lapis could offer. That was all she could tell herself. She knew that Peridot was better than anything she could ever ask for. This only made it worse that she couldn’t fix it for Peridot. 

Her blue eyes stared at the sky with a deep gaze. She missed being a gem that was useful. Now she often just laid around and sulked. Before, when she was a Homeworld gem, she didn’t really have worries. She had to do her job, but that was easy enough because she was made to do that. This emotional stuff was not something she understood well or knew how to handle. 

Lapis wondered if thinking about this was going to make anything better. She felt stressed and upset. She wasn’t sure if she could even face Peridot. Just thinking about the tone in Peridot’s voice when she suggested they unfuse made Lapis feel horrible. She couldn’t even let her mind brush over the fact that Garnet had witnessed that all. Garnet had seen first hand just how horrible she could be. 

Lapis let her mind cross over the thought that Garnet might tell the rest of the Crystal Gems what happened. She would be exiled. Much like what happened when she attempted to return home after being trapped on Earth, she would be sent back to the place that made her feel trapped. 

What she had done was irreparable. She had probably damaged her friendship with Peridot, and hurt her chances of being accepted by the Crystal Gems. She had messed everything up.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t decided yet whether this will be a consistant chapter by chapter fic or if it is going to be like a bunch of short stories that create a larger image. 
> 
> Also this isn’t edited.


End file.
